Chikara: High Noon Review

Extra special note:  My girlfriend Sarah offered to type this for me & added her own thoughts to mine in bold.

Greetings mayhem nation,

It is your long lost friend Big Freaky here to give you my thoughts about wrestling so good even Mad Mike can’t bitch about it. I put my money where my mouth is and ordered Chikara’s first internet pay per view High Noon. This isn’t just their first I PPV, but their season finale for 2011. The show opens with a video package of some great Chikara moments with music by the legendary Stan Bush; the song “High Noon” was composed just for the pay per view. I re-watched the video six times (Tim needs a life).

The opening match is a battle (Tim stalls for words glorious enough) for an opportunity for the tag team titles. (Exciting?) It was Chikara stalwarts the Colony of Soldier Ant and Fire Ant (there are fire soldier ants just so you know) versus west coast sensations Nick and Matt Jackson: The Young Bucks (deer versus ants, are the ants deer size, because otherwise my money’s on the deer). It was good to see tag team wrestling legend Marty Janettey accompany the Bucks to the ring (it’s good somebody’s giving him money – is he a hobo?). It gave me pleasure to know that this one match had almost as much wrestling action as an episode of TNA. After these guys preformed about a dozen things that should leave them in a wheel chair for the rest of their lives the colony pulled out a win (ants marching made me happy – real cliché Tim.)

The second match was Sarah Del Ray versus Jakob Hammermeyer. Jakob endears himself to the crowd yet again (he fucked the crowd?). Sarah broke his finger (so Sarah’s the man?)….eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww (well at least it wasn’t gay sex for once). How can Chikara say they are family friendly when Sarah made Jakob her bitch? I don’t get the talk about Sarah not being hot enough for WWE, she’s smoking (this Sarah is PISSED – no sex for Big freaky for awhile).

Amsis with Ophidain announces that he must retire due to injury. My god the crowd loves these guys are over. After reminescing about their complishments they dance their way out of Chikara….. And Ophidian spits venom into Amsis’ eyes then Blasts him in the back high flying Knees. The crowd is not happy with this. After being thrown out of the ring by four refs he comes back & yanks the mask off of Amsis.

Green Ant versus Tursus (another ant and what I can only assume to be some sort of ass man whose grandma called him tussie as a child and it caught on)

The feud started back at the season ten premiere when Tursus helped his BDK (butt dominant killer?) stable mate (so he’s a horse, my bad) the then winless Jakob Hammermeyer win a match against Green Ant. Green Ant couldn’t get revenge against the mammoth finish warrior though he desperately tried, with a bus tour for support and two body slams of the 350 pounder. Damn Tursus is big. Damn Green Ant is small. (I’m not sure parallelism works here Tim, that’s just too repetitive). Who would have thought that the 5 foot nothing 100 and nothing pound (wow Tim, that’s sad use of English) Green Ant would be able to bend Tursus like Gumbi and make him tap (that’s a pretty good metaphor though now I’m picturing him in tights at a dance recital).

Intermission (DUN DUN DUN…finally)

They aired promo packages to hype the main event of Quackinbush (…really? a hairy duck vagina? Or is it Donald Duck? Or a vagina? Somehow I picture Donald Duck and/with a vagina) versus Kingston (I just read a lovely story called “No Name Woman” by a woman named Kingston, she was Chinese, so I hope the Chinese dude won) to crown the first ever Chikara Grand Champion (so what the hell has Chikara been doing all this time? Crowning queens I guess). The packages really built up the main event and gave it a big fight feel.

Colt Cabana vs. Archibald Peck (so we’ve gone from vaginas to penises, huh) and Valerie (a hooker  – he just told me I can put the match in my own words, does he really understand what that kind of power means?) with Colt Cabunny Peck is a drum major (well I guess that makes him slightly less manly judging by the move Big Freaky did attempting to remember the words, I wonder what instrument he played before he conducted – the Trombone…r?) and  Valerie is his majorette (the Playboy Bunny, so now we know who played the flute though in personal experience it’s the clarinets that do the nasty most frequently). In a special attraction in April they faced each other @ King of Trios in a match. Peck used skullduggery to get the win (he killed people) to add further humiliation he brought back a character from Colt Cabana’s past, Cult Cabunny, who was humiliated thoroughly in the ring physically, including testing products on him that turned his beard and ears  radioactive green. In this match, the start involved Peck trying to get an underhanded disadvantage but Colt evaded this every time by side stepping him. After an epic back and forth battle of shenanigans and tom foolery (how old is Tim?) the match came down to Cabunny’s (really, I can’t take that name seriously at all, it’s worse than Vagina Duck) baton when the ref was distracted and debating on whether he should hit Colt or Peck with it (this seems to go above and beyond the call of sexual innuendo). He made Colt, PETA and the crowd proud by hitting Peck (he hit a man with a penal object and the man’s name was Peck?)  Note from Freaky: Sarah gave up trying to type after this.

In a complete 180 from the last match, this encounter was the brutal conclusion to a heated & personal rivalry.  In every match they’ve had Irons has won and Icarus just couldn’t handle losing to a “cripple”.  The match was every bit as intense and violent as it should have been.  Although for me the Highlight was the return of Icarus’ former partner Gran Akuma who attempted to knock Icarus out with a kick but blast Irons buy mistake.  Poor Greg and his year had been going so well up to that point. On the plus side The white Lo-ki is back.  Yay!

The Spectral Envoy of Hallowicked & Ultra Mantis Black vs. Tim Donst & Ares of the B.D.K. (NO DQ)

In this match every person had something to lose.  If Hallowicked or U.M.B. lost the fall they they would be forced to unmask.  If Ares lost the fall he would be forced to return the mystical object the Eye of Tyre to its right full owner U.M.B.  If Donst lost the fall his head would be shaved.

This match made me wonder what a riot in a mental hospital would look like.  Donst decided he had enough of getting beat on and abandons Ares.  Smart man!

The Main Event to Crown the first ever Grand Champion of Chikara

“Lightning” Mike Quackenbush vs “The War King” Eddie Kingston

Wow Tommy Dreamer came just to be in Kingston’s corner!

Quack pokes King in the eyes!! Is a heel turn coming?

The entire locker room past & present makes their may to ring side for this one.

As crazy as the world of Chikara may seem, the wrestling wasn’t just great believe it or not the matches made sense.  Every match meant something to the show.  Nothing was frivolous or filer.

Mad Mike & Wrestlefan keep complaining about wrestling they get for free.  I paid $15 for “High Noon” and I’m completely satisfied.