Mad Mike Reviews: Thanksgiving Impact!

Since I know all you Mayhem fans are thankful that I will be back on the show this upcoming week, I have decided to give you all a holiday treat. I am going to review Impact!

First off, as with the past Thanksgiving Impact, I expect something at least as ridiculous as a wrestler being forced to dress in a turkey suit. So here we go!

• Nice to see I actually get to watch the finish from last week’s show

Segment 1: Thanksgiving party

• Eric Young resigned a contract for this?
• I think he meets Executive Producer of ReAction: Dixie Carter

Segment 2: Morgan talking

• Ok so Morgan said the ref won’t screw him over, means the ref will exactly screw him over no?
• Immortal, Matt…no “s”
• Morgan looks so uncomfortable talking by himself
• Douglas Williams’ jokes are like a Jay Leno monologue
• Matt you have one decision to make, not a lot of them
• Oh yeah…the other Thanksgiving Impact tradition, they have a Survivor Series match
• A Doug E. Doug reference in 2010?
• Should they have a huge meal before they wrestle?

Segment 3: Thanksgiving segment

• Smirnoff Ice is clearly the classiest in party drinks
• The airport is pretty far away from the Impact Zone

Segment 4: Match1: Rhino Vs. Tommy Dreamer

• A match less than a half hour in? Wow…what show is this?
• Dreamer has very white legs
• This looks like a match I did with my wrestling figures when I was younger
• Good hardcore match by these two so far actually
• Wow, that was way too short though
• I wish we could have a week without Dreamer giving a “heartfelt speech”
• God I hate RVD’s music

Segment 5: Morgan/Joe; TBP/Ric

• This segment will only prove that TNA only has four faces
• I want the Velvet Sky figure
• I can’t hear anything in this segment
• How did Taz even know that was Sarita?
• Sweet Jesus…what the fuck?

Segment 6: Thanksgiving

• That belt is an abortion
• Jeff Hardy should release a book of poetry so I can steal it, and burn it

Segment 7: Guns and GenMe

• The lack of proper lighting pisses me off already
• Why are they still in their gear?
• I feel bad for these guys busting their asses for no live reaction
• The serious tone by the announcers is God awful
• Why would we believe that GenMe would win in a match when they lost in a “fight”
• Okay…a TLC match in December? Jesus.

Segment 8: Pope/Morgan

• Yup, there are only four faces you guys
• Morgan the odds aren’t much better with four people against the rest of Immortal

Segment 9: Match 2: Maddy Vs. Sarita

• An hour in and we have our second match…that’s more like it TNA
• Madison is hilarious
• TNA never announces matches unless you listen to the announcers, they just randomly said we have a fall count anywhere match later
• This does kinda seem like a Diva’s match…
• Why did someone other than the number one contender have a match with the Knockout’s Champion?
• That animated turkey freaks me the fuck out

Segment 10: Thanksgiving/DVD

• Wow the teaser is we’re going to watch a DVD…makes me want to turn this off and actually watch a DVD
• If Ric Flair is the fountain of youth…I hope I grow old

• Oh sweet Jesus, this is awful
• I hate Jeff Jarrett

Segment 11: Match 3: Jesse Neal Vs. Jeff Jarrett Submission/MMA match

• Ok the graphic said MMA match, everyone else says Submission…who needs consistency?
• Hey Impact Zone…Jarrett has never sold out anything in his life
• Wow Taz ruined his own gimmick by not being able to spell Yugi Gatame
• Oh good…a ref bump…hooray
• Oh even better…a guitar
• The idiot with the DILLIGAF sign clearly doesn’t know what it means

Segment 12: Brother Ray’s surprise

• Please tell me his holiday surprise is that he is leaving wrestling forever
• Damn…it’s not
• Oh good another video package…
• Of course you aren’t hard to find Bubba, you’re huge

Segment 13: Thanksgiving

• It’s great that the fans in the Impact Zone don’t get to see these segments, because God forbid they’d want to know what happens on the show

Segment 14: Match 4: Fortune Vs. Fourfaces

• I hate elimination matches where eliminations happen with moves that would never work in a regular match
• If this “Jackson James” ends up being revealed as Bischoff’s son and is a heel ref, I’m gonna be pissed
• Nice to see someone actually just walking away from a springboard move, I hope everyone fighting Rey learns this
• Jesus…what a lame way to eliminate two people
• The “We Want Matt” chants are very clearly piped in
• God that crowd is dead, dead like my turkey
• Oh good…another TNA main event with a non-clean finish, at least my DVR caught it this time

I assume that the way Immortal was drinking, they all gang rape Dixie Carter, at least I’m guessing.

Oh well I guess that’s it for TNA…thanks for screwing over DVR viewers on a holiday epiosde assclowns.