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Mad Mike Reviews TNA: Dual Impact, Double Carnage!

Apr 14, 2013

Ahoy Mayhemmers, I’m back after the Wrestlemania filled hiatus and I’m going to review two episodes of Impact…I’m watching them in a row, so apologies if I get a little cranky towards the end.

Segment 1: Recrap, Aces and Eights segment, Joey Ryan segment

Jeff must be hungry since he wanted a Full Metal May-ham tonight
A ten man tag??
Seriously is it “Aces & Eights” or “THE Aces & Eights”
Wow no one was chanting “You got fired”
Why is Brooke assuming Joey just wants to bang her?
Why do the Knockouts need a female ref? Isn’t that really sexist?

Segment 2: Match 1: Taryn/Velvet Vs. Gail/Tara

Okay so this actual feud is just going to be overshadowed by Joey Ryan being a creeper now?
Taryn’s short are really too tiny
The labia count is already off the scale for this match
He could at least pretend to count…I mean why wouldn’t he want to keep this job?
“If he takes his shirt off, it’s on.” Sometime I love Taz
This has actually been a pretty decent match
Is Joey Ryan and Gail Kim going to be a thing?
Ah…guess not, shame that might have been fun

Segment 3: Contract signing, Gut Check segment

I love Team Super Heel
I hate Chavo, just because you are a Guerrero doesn’t mean you are a champion
TNA can’t even afford a contract signing table?
Green M and M’s and winner’s purse….I love these guys
You guys should really read out these added things…
PLEASE DIE CHERNANDEZ. PLEASE DIE.
Robert Roode made the Herbie Hancock joke! Love it!
ADAM PEARCE. PREDICTION ACHEIVED.

Segment 4: Gut Check bit, Match 2: Pearce vs Magno

Oh God subtitles. Zeb Colter wouldn’t stand for this shit.
Magno. Sounds like a bad Pokemon
WAIT THIS MOTHER FUCKER CAN SPEAK ENGLISH??
SPEAK IT MOTHER FUCKER! DOES JEREMY BORASH LOOK LIKE A BITCH??
Why can’t they just sign Adam Pearce? For serious.
So let me guess…they end up signing Magno and he teams with one of the broken up Chernandez?
So wait the Gut Check Challenge thing is a thing again?
Jesus is Magno Spanish for botchy?
Oh great, all the judges are faces…Pearce is fucked

Segment 5: AJ Segment, Sting package, Hogan segment

So is AJ just a combo or Sting and DDP during the nWo era?
A Warrior? Oh God…this will only end badly

Segment 6: Angle/Park segment, Hogan segment

This is the first time they actually showed us who is in this ten man tag match
I love Park’s enthusiasm
AJ Styles eh? You mean the guy WHO CAN’T HAVE A WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP SHOT???
Are you trying to tell me Hulkster that you don’t watch your own program?
You need someone dangerous Hulk? Why don’t you go find Abyss?
I. FUCKING. HATE. JAMES. STORM.
Someone stole Bret Hart’s sunglasses didn’t they Jimbo?

Segment 7: Hogan segment, Match 3: Dutt Vs. Andrews Vs. Petey, Clubhouse segment

THAT was Hogan sucking up to AJ?? He’s horrible at asskissing
PETEY!
So nice to see things haven’t changed and that a Petey match is only made good if he hits the Destroyer
The Dudleys talking about tag teamming a woman reminds me of a really funny story after an indy show in Poughkepsie

Segment 8 and 9: Match 4: Ten Man Tag, Brooke segment

Um. Tenay…it is kinda bullying
Wow…the ref totally saw that low blow…awful
If Aces and Eights were so powerful wouldn’t they go after other belts?
Is Brooke going to quit?
Can Brooke be dressed sluttier?

Segment 10: Brooke/Bully segment

Jesus does she even own a bra?
Hahahaha Bully is so great
Wow, all this is about a ticket? That’s a little disappointing
Well see that’s just spousal abuse Brooke
Nice to see someone actually fight dirty during one of these fights
Um…why are we cutting off?

TNH8 Scale

Wrestling: 3 out of 5 Laganas nothing overly spectacular, nothing overly wrong either

Logic: 4 out of 5 Laganas Everything seems to flow well still

Overall: 7 out of 10 Laganas

Segment 1: Recrap, Hardy segment, Match 1: Chernandez Vs. Team Super Heel

This is a way too long recap
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS OPENING?
This is just playing like a mini-PPV so far
Who the fuck is this flag waving idiot?
DON’T SEND JESSE JAMES OVER THERE, THAT’ WHERE ACES AND EIGHTS ARE
God I love Team Super Heel
Hahahaha first fall before the commercial!
Whoa….really? Both falls that fucking quick?
I do love that Hernandez uses that ramp for the launch

Segment 2: Match cont, Brooke segment

It was a bit of a cheat for the first two falls to be done that quickly
How did the champs get control back? Tell us guys!
I kinda wish Homicide comes back and causes Chavo to lose
Fuck you Hernandez for ruining the Tower of Doom spot
Ew. Fucking ew.
Well I guess they didn’t want to do an Aces & Eights vs Team Super Heel because that might be interesting eh?
I love Joey’s referee attire
Can someone please explain to me why the Knockouts need their own ref?

Segment 3: Bully arriving, Joseph Park segment, Knockouts package

Um…why doesn’t someone just destroy all their bikes?
Justice? Is Joseph Park hiring The Shield?
Oh God, please let Park be Brooke’s divorce lawyer
Is this possibly the start of a TV Title feud? Possibly??
The Hot Mess? Really?

Segment 4: Match 2: Gail Vs. Taryn

Oh Jesus take the wheel…her TNAtron says “Hot Mess”
ODB isn’t wearing her wedding ring
TNA needs to change that star wipe thing for their lower third ads, it’s very distracting
Dude in the front row needs to calm the fuck down

Segment 5: Gut Check bullshit, AJ package

It’s not like winning or losing the match has actually mattered to you idiots
You are asking if Adam Pearce can talk AGAINST A GUY WHO’S PROMO WAS IN SPANISH AND NEEDED SUBTITLES
TNA is full of fucking idiots.
Why would AJ go back to TNA where he can’t get a title shot and people threaten him?

Segment 6: AJ segment

If AJ is sick of doing the right thing, he’ll go back with TNA cuz that’d be the wrong thing
JAMES STORM WHY DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING LET AJ TALK
TEAM APPLETINI!!!! I MISSED YOU!!!
Randy Orton should take a page out of his carbon copy Kaz to be entertaining
OMG please let AJ join Team Appletini. PLEASE. PLEASE.
That’s not a decision Hogan…a decision would be firing him

Segment 7: Angle segment, Match 3: Joey vs. Rob Terry

Ugh that Handicap match is going to suuuuuuuuck
Why does he have the Terminator in his video?
You know…Joey Ryan and Robbie E would make an amazing sleaze bag tag team
The heel announcers shouldn’t be right as often as Taz is

Segment 8: Brooke segment, Gut Check bullshit, Motorcycle Club segment

I hope the Atlas security guy is in Aces & Eights
Morgan is also exactly right
God why do these idiots have to be introduced every single time?
Ha! He’s from Texas and they are chanting No!
He better not speak in Spanish
HE’S LISPING IN SSSSPANISSSSH
That was your big speech? That was fucking awful.
Magno better be out there because Pearce is joining Aces & Eights
Pearce should run down the ramp and clothesline that idiot
Garrettt looks so uncomfortable on the bike

Segment 9: Match 4: Hardy Vs. Bully

Matches that start off with a finisher never end well…
Whoa those ladders must be light
That backdrop on the ramp looked sick

Segment 10: Match cont.

TNA needs to figure out how to show how the match can completely change during the commercial
That front suplex looked like it hurt a lot
Bully doing the Hogan taunt is great
Brooke you can’t reach over the guardrail and touch the talent
OMG TNA how do you fuck this up so bad. How’d that table break immediately?
This is a long way to go to reset a spot
Jesus, Bully just laid down
Nice Swanton, been a while since I’ve seen one
The totally real hammer!
Fantastic finish, total heel move
To be fair, he could have just as easily used anything to hit Jeff
Taz: Boink! Best announcement he’s made all year