Mad Mike Reviews TNA: Legion of Heels

Greetings Mayhemmers, since I’m the guy who watches TNA the most as the main hosts on this show, but we never seem to talk about it (mainly because it sucks) I decided to at least use my journalistic integrity and live blog about it each week. This will be written live as I watch Impact, so enjoy!

Segment 1: Recrap, Angle segment, Roode/Aries segment

• I think Angle is drunk, and those are actually parking tickets not cue cards
• If I made a list of reasons I hate Jeff Hardy when I was drunk, it would sound very similar to this list
• How does Kurt not notice this things about his children before he tucks them in
• Good heels are heels that believe what they are saying is true, even if no one else does
• Bad heels are ones the actually are right and point out shitty storytelling
• Oh please for the love of God team up Roode and Aries, that’d be awesome

Segment 2: Match 1: Gauntlet match AJ Vs. Daniels and Kaz

• Something tells me we still aren’t going to find out why this feud exists
• Wow as soon as the match starts go to commercial, that’s wise

Segment 3: Match cont., Maddy/Gail segment

• Although this is a good match, I don’t give a shit about it because no one actually knows what this feud is about, that’s not mysterious it’s just shitty storytelling
• Jesus fuck, what an awful finish
• Kaz purposefully doesn’t want to tell us why he has beef with AJ, he should drink with Angle more, then he’d have a list
• Maddy is awesome, Gail is still a shitty actress

Segment 4: Match 2: Maddy Vs. ODB, Heels Unite segment

• So seeing that this month’s theme is March Madness, what is next month’s string of TNA’s softcore porn ads going to feature? Jesus?
• It’s nice to see that TNA hired one WWE reject that demands work, that’s Mike Knox’s beard on EY ya know?
• I think ODB just screamed “stanky beeyotch” after the bronco buster….EY may want to get tested
• Ha Gail is pretending she botched, that’s fun
• Wow, heels actually talking sense about a corrupt face in charge? What show is this?

Segment 5: Velvet segment, Garret segment

• Velvet is also talking sense…but to the wrong person, why doesn’t she just talk to Sting?
• What the fuck is Mickie wearing?
• Flair first said he was God, now he says he is water…he needs to make up his mind
• “New level” and “next step” are phrases that should just be barred from TNA forever

Segment 6: Heels Unite in ring segment

• This segment is amazing, I wish TNA was more like this…these three guys and Eric Young are the best things they have going
• A Double should be a World Champion in TNA in 2012 if I had my way
• Come to that, so should Bully
• See…this was a great segment, and then Sting showed up…
• So “Joe’s Gonna Kill You” is his whole name now?

Segment 7: Soresnsten segment, Shiima segment, Match 3: Shiima Vs. Shannon

• I’m not going to make any smartass comments here, I just hope Jesse gets well soon and can return to the ring one day if he wishes
• Wow, normally I don’t approve of someone taking advantage of something serious like this, but if and when Jesse comes back….him and Shiima will be a barnburning feud
• Taz clearly hasn’t heard any promos from the early 90s of a guy named Taz, to be saying the things he is saying
• Wow, I’m just really looking, the Impact zone is EMPTY this week
• Does Shiima’s hair spray have pictures of Knockouts on it?? That’s hilarious

Segment 8: Match 4: Sarita and Angelina Vs. Velvet and Mickie, Faces unite segment

• Impact Fans Matter at house shows, I’ll give them that…but not on any of the televised product
• Can we please stop doing the full body pans of Christy?
• Mickie did the nWo point a little too early there
• How the hell does this match remind Tenay of some bullshit feud with Madonna and the Girls Gone Wild guy?
• Ok so TNA is desperate to get some more TMZ exposure it seems
• Speaking of exposure…. labia count: 1
• Labia count: 2
• Velvet just hit a stunner??
• Velvet blew that kiss for me, just sayin
• I heard this on another show, and I think it’s hilarious that with all the Direct Auto Insurance plugs we hear during the night, they don’t own www.directautoinsurance.com
• So Magnus and Joe are officially faces now? Interesting.

Segment 9: Abyss segment, Match 5: Heels Vs. Faces

• Wait….Abyss’ family? Did they contact Father James Mitchell??
• I think Abyss got kidnapped by the same ninjas that got Joe…I hope one of them is a Ninja Dentist
• It is really great to see Aries in this main event
• Taz doesn’t pay attention to his own show, Aries got in the main event because they threatened to walk out

Segment 10: Match cont.

• The most hilarious thing about this whole show is the one dude in the front row who has help a limp “this is awesome” sign for the whole night
• The announcers forget a lot of time that Joe used to be in the X-Division
• This is a good match, but it screams at the lack of depth in the tag division
• I still can’t believe this company is going to go two months without a world title match
• Holy shit…..a clean finish.
• A clean finish.
• A CLEAN FINISH.
• A clean finish?
• Wow.
• Well played TNA, totally didn’t see that coming

TNH8 Scale

Logic: 3.5 Laganas out of 5

Wrestling: 4.5 Laganas out of 5

Overall: 8 Laganas out of 10