Mad Mike Reviews TNA: Live From Panama City…oh wait

Greetings Mayhemmers, since I’m the guy who watches TNA the most as the main hosts on this show, but we never seem to talk about it (mainly because it sucks) I decided to at least use my journalistic integrity and live blog about it each week. This will be written live as I watch Impact, so enjoy!

Segment 1: No Surrender Review, Flair/Sting promo, Jeff walking in

• Welp, looks like I didn’t miss much at the PPV
• The last time that Sting and Flair wrestled was 2001, the last time it was relevant was WAAAAY before that
• Sting really needs to keep a color scheme
• Is Sting just reciting the spots in the match so they both remember?
• Wow, this is such an awful promo
• Jeff is only late because Matt drove him there

Segment 2: Jeff interview, Match 1: Racist America Vs. Reverend, Pope, and Lesbians, Karen has an office

• Shouldn’t Jeff say exactly what happened at Victory Road? Isn’t that really the first step to recovery?
• I fucking hate MeX-Pac, seriously out of anyone in wrestling I think I hate him the most
• D-Von…..STOP BRINGING YOUR FUCKING KIDS TO THE IMPACT ZONE, THEY’RE GETTING SICK OF BUTTERBEER!
• Taz may or may not have a foot fetish….excuse me *vomit*
• Wow so much for all the weight D-Von lost, he looks awful
• I don’t understand this, the girls will angrily go after both guys, but they cower in the face of Tara and Tessmacher?
• P.S. I hate that they are using Brooke Tessmacher
• Why does Karen have an office?
• Traci Brooks can definitely handle a job, just ask Bischoff

Segment 3: Knockouts Segment, Fortune segment

• Madison Rayne is awesome yet again
• Nice to see that Velvet may actually get her title shot now
• I love Bobby Roode, but there is absolutely no way he is ever going to beat Kurt at Bound For Glory
• Is this the first time Kaz has been on TV in months?
• Wanna know how out of touch Kaz is? He’s calling Daniels “CD”
• This is a touching segment for Roode, but it still doesn’t make him any more credible or more of a main eventer, he’d need to beat everyone in Fortune
• TNA has like eight different names for their championship…that’s not a good sign
• I don’t even want to think why the Hogan/Bischoff stroke has rubbed off on Angle

Segment 4: Bischoff/Angle segment,Match 2: Angelina Vs. Velvet

• Shouldn’t this one on one match have happened like months ago? You know when Angelina was a zombie?
• No offense, but pigeons are such dirty foul birds, why can’t it be like “Let the doves loose?”
• A commercial already?? What??

Segment 5: Match 2 (cont),Jeff/AJ segment

• I already hate this episode for giving me less Velvet
• Angelina needs a sandwich
• All Knockouts should have to wear corsets
• The camera angles in these matches make them real uncomfortable to watch sometimes
• Wow Earl just let that belt shot happen didn’t he?
• The Beauty-T? Really?
• Wow….why can’t AJ be this passionate in actual storylines?
• I hate that Hardy is back in this company, but that was a damn good promo by AJ

Segment 6: Hogan/Flair segment, Crimson interview, Match 3: Joekozuna Vs. Morgan

• I didn’t even listen to the old men argue
• Nice to see Crimson actually reference the fact that they fought before, kudos
• Wow, so they flat out know that no one bought the ppv so they’re just doing this again?
• Christy Hemme should only be allowed to say “Samoa” once in Joe introduction
• And Joe wins a match for the first time since the Bush administration….yay

Segment 7: Kaz/Angle segment, D-Von/Jeff segment

• God Kaz is so boring
• TNA sometimes is like a huge “Remember When?” *head tilt* segment
• Jeff, you know D-Von’s prayers are strong, he used to be a man of the cloth
• Another segment with no wrestling…WRESTLING MATTERS.

Segment 8: Match 4: Kaz Vs. Roode

• At the very least these Fortune Vs. Roode matches should be great to watch
• BTW if some of these segments from me seem a little short from week to week, its because the wrestling was actually decent…I don’t expect this to happen that often though
• Ugh that damn emo kid in the Sting facepaint is back, I want to go to Florida and punch him in the throat
• Wow…a crippler crossface…not bad even though it looked like Roode used a Fujiwara armbar on Gunner at the PPV

Segment 9: Roode and Aries segments, Bully and Lynn segment, WCW Nitro Main Event: Sting vs. Flair

• I like Roode a whole lot…I want him to win, I just don’t see it
• Aries better be able to improve the X-Division
• When exactly did Jerry Lynn get signed?
• JB said this is the Main Event twice…stop that
• My attention in this match will now be focused on the red head in the front row
• Holy god I think Flair is wrestling in monogrammed Depends
• Botch count: 1
• Woo count: 2
• Commercial time…hope the red head (she looks like a Carly, I’m gonna call her Carly) doesn’t get bored and fall asleep

Segment 10: Old Men Fighting Part II

• Oh thank God (not Ric, but God God), she’s still there
• Woo count: 3
• Aww the Impact Zone is too loud for Carly, in its defense, its the first time there’s been actual cheering there
• I’m only counting Woo’s by Flair and Sting, for the record
• Nice to see that Jeremy Borash announced that Sting’s career is on the line in this match (Psst…he totally didn’t)
• Woo count: 4
• God Flair just looks like a tired old man
• Botch count: 1.5 (that superplex was scary)
• Hey look it’s Scott Steiner! This is the last episode of Nitro!
• Wow, Immortal is totally allowed to run in
• Woo count: 5
• Botch: 2.5 (Flair can’t even flop right)
• You know you should stop when Earl Hebner is more athletic than you in a match
• Wow Sting won, shock of shocks
• God this was awful