Mad Mike Reviews TNA: May The Impact Be With You…Always

A long time ago in a country far, far away

Episode CCCXCVI

Is TNA really doing this?

They are…and I’m reviewing it.

Enjoy.

Segment 1: Recrap Star Wars Style, Han and Chewie segment

• Ok so everyone will be referred to as Star Wars characters during this review
• It’s funny how TNA actually has one storyline that is kinda like Star Wars, but the rest are just being piecemealed in
• So Count Dooku (Bischoff) and his apprentice Darth Maul (Gunner) tried to corner Obi-Wan (Garret) last week, but luckily old Master Yoda (Hogan) was able to fight them off with CGI
• Han (Roode) and his good buddy Chewie (Bully) are fighting in the ring it seems
• Thank God Bail Organa (Sting) is coming out to settle the score, especially since Jar Jar (Hardy) is banned from coming into England
• Ok so main event is Han and Chewie against Bail Organa and Lando (Storm)
• And yes Storm is Lando because of the Colt 45 references….for those of you playing at home

Segment 2: Match 1: Palpatine (Daniels) w/ Anakin (Kaz) Vs. Mace Windu (AJ), Dooku and Maul segment

• It’s really a shame Anakin is starting to turn to the dark side here, Anakin and Windu would be a much better team than R2D2 (Morgan) and C3PO (crimson)
• Yes that’s who they are, not because of awesomeness, but because they’re so robotic on promos
• See this is when Palpatine should be getting shocked with Force lightning here, but they’re just having a good match
• Anakin is sitting there with brass knuckles that the Emperor tossed him
• And poor Windu gets his hand cut off and thrown out the window
• Looks like they’re going to try and kick Yoda’s cane out from under him

Segment 3: Wedge (Magnus) and Porkins (Joe) segment

• Nice to see the Rebel fighters get a face pop here
• God damn R2 and 3PO ruining this segment

Segment 4: Match 2: Kit Fisto (Shelley) Vs. Jango Fett (Aries) Vs. Commander Cody (Williams)

• This should be a terrific matchup
• And yes Williams is Commander Cody because he is a trooper who will be face or heel on command, and for some reason isn’t anxious to get back at Darth Maul
• I love watching Jango fly with or without jetpack
• It’s too bad this wasn’t more planned by TNA this could have been a lot more fun being a Star Wars night
• The Chaos Theory is still one of my favorite moves ever
• Jango you heel, a low blow to break up a pin
• Wow Kit won, looks like Jango is getting the last laugh on Sunday then

Segment 5: Yoda is talking to Obi-Wan, and Bail Organa comes in to chill

• Apparently Bail Organa has things on track…no one tell Palpatine that
• Apparently they’re talking about a big plan, and Yoda just now realized there’s a camera in their face

Segment 6: Padme (Tara) and Oola (Gail Kim) segment, Yoda segment

• This is what Padme gets for taking in the sights, damn slave girls
• Did Yoda just say that TNA is on the verge of rolling off the mountain? Not wise with words he is
• Sign of the night is easily “E.Y.’s Beard = Ratings”
• Because of the accent it even sounds like the crowd is chanting “Yoda!”
• God I really hate this entire segment
• Darth Maul really shouldn’t be wearing a shirt about angels, as a heel
• Looks like Yoda and Palpatine are about to start throwing Senate booths
• Looks like Maul is gonna take out Obi-Wan just like he destroyed Qui-Gon (RVD)
• Oh shit y’all Yoda is a badass!
• Yodaing up he brother is
• Umm you guys, Qui-Gon has punched Palpatine before…stick with your own timeline

Segment 7: Han and Chewie segment, Yoda segment, Match 3: Aayla Secura (Mickie) Vs Princess Leia (Velvet)

• Thank God Han dropped the “brothers don’t shake hands, brothers gotta hug” line
• I hope on Sunday TNA does the wise thing and lets the Wookie win
• Yoda says he’s going to be at the PPV on Sunday….oh joy
• This match makes me wish Leia was in her gold bikini
• Welp, Tazz called Velvet Leia as well….nice to see I’m accurate
• Leia is a touch slower on the chain wrestling then she probably should be
• The twirling headscissors is something that Leia does all the time, and yet Tazz says this is the first time he’s seen it, more like it’s the first time he’s called it
• Leia snuck out with a win!
• Aayla looks a little shocked, this is probably the start of a heel turn for her

Segment 8: Two video packages, Lando and Bail Organa shaking hands

• Move along folks, nothing to see here
• No seriously I fast forwarded through this whole segment of nothingness

Segment 9: Match 4: Han and Chewie Vs. Lando and Organa

• I swear to God every main event intro like this takes way too fucking long
• The in-ring intro should only be done for Title matches
• Tazz is desperately trying to convince us that Jar Jar won’t show up drunk to the PPV

Segment 10: Match cont.

• It’s always fun to see Lando and Chewie fight
• Chewie just grunted for the crowd, they should have dubbed in the actual Chewbacca noise
• Chewie just screamed “My nuts!” Yes I can speak Wookie…but only when they spend a lot of time in Hell’s Kitchen
• Hooray Chewie finally got a medal!!
• Good ending for TNA, except the dude wearing the Wrestlemania shirt in the background

TNH8 Scale:

Logic: 4 Out of 5 Death Stars

Wrestling 4.5 Out of 5 Death Stars

Overall: 8.5 out of 10 Death Stars