Mad Mike Reviews TNA, Neither Impact Nor Wrestling

Greetings Mayhemmers, since I’m the guy who watches TNA the most as the main hosts on this show, but we never seem to talk about it (mainly because it sucks) I decided to at least use my journalistic integrity and live blog about it each week. This will be written live as I watch Impact, so enjoy!

Opening segment: Immortal out to the ring (what a surprise)

• Standing in for the only mildly racist Impact zone this week will be the insanely racist state of Alabama.
• For all the “power” Immortal claims to have, they hardly ever get their way
• Oh goodie Randy Couture is here
• Great…a title match on free TV, when there’s no announced main event for No Surrender
• TNA needs to decide if they’re going to rip off DC with The Joker or Marvel with Captain America
• Matt from IGN called Sting’s new gimmick “Ace Ventura by way of Snagglepuss” I think it’s laughably accurate
• Oh good, Hogan is going to be the enforcer, somewhere Arn Anderson is rolling in his first class seat on a WWE flight

Second segment: Bound for Glory update; Gunner Vs. Rob Van Dam for the final spot in the four way

• Samoa Joe probably should have “taken out” more people near the top of the BFG list instead of the bottom
• Matt Morgan is the worst analyst ever
• Good to see that this extremely important match is being ignored because of a feud between Joe and Morgan
• Taz seems to be taking an extra second to pronounce “frustrated” properly, this fustrates me
• Seriously, why is Jerry Lynn still here?
• Wow…a heel Jerry Lynn, ugh
• So either Bubba, Storm, Roode, or Gunner is going to have a title match at TNA’s biggest show? And Styles vs. Daniels is going to be on free TV? Wow.

Third segment: Knockouts segment

• After weeks of staring at Traci’s tits backstage, Bischoff is bringing her out to the ring
• Nice to see Velvet Sky on TV again, remember when she was going to get a title shot? Good times those were.
• I really hope Sarita can take that mask off soon
• Get it you guys?? Long and Hard?? Like a penis??
• Karen Jarrett as Knockouts VP….oh joy, way to take one of the only tolerable thing on TNA and make it horsefaceier
• Um shouldn’t the heels be happy Karen is taking over?
• Great two women that have been wrestling regularly on the roster for months are officially employees now
• Did Karen just accuse the Knockouts of being strippers? Where exactly did Kurt meet her?

Fourth Segment: Austin Aries and Kid Kash Vs. Brian Kendrick and Jesse Sorensten

• We get an announcement there will be a Knockouts title match tonight, again…what the hell is on this ppv?
• Kendrick clearly robbed a 3rd grade art class for his hat this week
• If Aries doesn’t leave No Surrender with the gold, I’m done with this division
• The best thing about the X-Division was that it’s not about no limits, it’s about weight limits….right? Oh TNA, Mike Tenay from 2004 is punching you in the throat
• You know Kid Kash used to just look like Kid Rock, no he looks like Kid Rock on chemo
• I think Tenay just called Sorensten a wookie, I really hope this is his gimmick

Fifth Segment: Winter backstage segment

• Winter’s theme song is amazing, I want to download it
• Winter and Angelina are really the worst vampiric, zombiefied lesbians ever

Sixth Segment: Jeff Hardy promo; Angle segment; Knockout’s Championship match

• Jeff has his personal troubles, he gets featured on Impact; Matt has similar personal issues, he gets banned from the Mayhem show
• Angle vows change from week to week, no wonder Karen left him
• Oh great, Hogan hates Hardy…he’s going to be a face…I hope he gets his fans high from that
• The denim saved by Mickie James’ shorts were used to feed a family of 6 in Somalia, take that Sally Struthers
• Winter is really a pale woman, I think if her and Sheamus had a kid, it’d be Powder
• Wow Earl Hebner must have forgotten how to ref, he not only barred someone from ringside but stop a foreign object attack
• Title change on free TV…WHAT IS HAPPENNG ON THIS PPV????

Seventh Segment: Daniels promo; Morgan segment

• So Daniels IS going heel after all these right? Right?
• Morgan, haven’t you heard? Suicide doesn’t get you over
• God Morgan seems to be on the Matt Hardy diet during his “injury”
• God I hate Joe, none of his story makes any sense…why doesn’t he take out the people who are actually in the match at No Surrender?

Eighth segment: Robbie E segment; Daniels segment

• As a new fan of Jersey Shore, I have to say that Robbie E sucks, but I’m glad they are doing something with him
• I still don’t know who “Johnny D” is supposed to be, the character on Jersey Shore is Paulie D
• Guess who’s coming back? I’m still guessing because they never indicated at all.

Ninth segment: Immortal segment;Daniels Vs. Styles

• Hogan, you don’t mow down mountains….that’s like slapping tornadoes
• Daniels’ eyeliner has always bothered me on a primal level
• This is another good match between these two guys (the wrestling has actually been decent all night) but this match means absolutely nothing
• THAT WAS THE FINISH??? Jesus.

Tenth Segment: TNA World Heavyweight Championship match

• “Big Fight Feel” is the worst phrase to enter the wrestling vernacular
• This actually isn’t that bad of a match but with Hogan out there, I just know it’s going to end badly
• Gunner, the guy who just got into the fatal four way, just got made to look like the biggest chump stain in the world
• I remember Sorg telling me he was happy about the pushes for Gunner and Crimson…how’d that work out for you?
• Oh yeah, Angle won…but you, you already knew that
• If you had Anderson in the ring with the baseball bat, congrats you won this week’s Impact Clue game, collect your bag of 50 DVDs TNA can’t sell at Don West’s hotel room
• TNA ends with Mike Tenay plugging The World Series of Beer Pong…..wow. Way to lead in to Jeff Hardy coming back next week