Mad Mike Reviews TNA: Really? REALLY?

Greetings Mayhemmers, since I’m the guy who watches TNA the most as the main hosts on this show, but we never seem to talk about it (mainly because it sucks) I decided to at least use my journalistic integrity and live blog about it each week. This will be written live as I watch Impact, so enjoy!

Apologies for skipping last week’s show, but I had Mayhem to make here.

Segment 1: Re-Crap, Sting promo (we’re gonna be here a while judging from the spoilers)

• Okay, let me start with this Hogan bullshit…first of all this Dixie taking control back of TNA should be the biggest story, but it got brushed under the rug because OMGHOGANPUNCHEDBISCHOFF and OMGAREFWEDONTRMEMBERWASBISCHOFFSSONBUTITDOESNTMATTERBECAUSEHESAFACE, etc.
• If Sting wanted to bring back the greatest of all time Hulk Hogan wouldn’t it have just been easier to steal the Delorean from the same lot they tape every day on?
• So wait a minute….we’re not getting crazy Sting anymore? I liked crazy Sting…God I hate you TNA, this is why you can’t have nice things like…ratings
• Why can Hogan do his poses now, but he couldn’t do them when he celebrated with Sting at BFG?
• Nice to see that all it takes is a wardrobe change for us to know that Hogan is supposed to be cheered
• A “Welcome Back” chant? Really? Really Impact Zone? Shut the fuck up.
• Hogan has “I Am What I Am” tattooed on his arm, is this the final transition into Popeye?
• You know this would actually be kinda a cool storyline if it was done with any two guys other than these two
• Sting should have done this with Daniels instead so he could have gone from a Fallen Angel to a Risen Angel…cuz Sting likes Jesus
• A “You Still Got It” chant? I’m gonna skull fuck everyone in the Impact Zone
• Oh good Dixie Carter has new entrance music too, seriously between this and BFG did everyone in the entire company get new entrance music?
• Great…a commercial in the middle of a promo….welcome back TNA

Segment 2: Sting’s Still Talking….yup

• So let me get this straight, a match, a God damned wrestling match can overturn something that American courts had decreed? Can we have like Dred Scott Vs. Michael Hayes to get that overturned then?
• This would be way more entertaining if this was the Dixie Carter from Designing Women like I always thought she was, Meschach Taylor for VP of Talent Relations FTW
• AON is more successful than TNA at this point I think
• Wow, a wrestler being told he needs to run the day-to-day operations of a company…where have I seen this before?
• I wonder if we’ll ever hear from “The Network” again, or if him and the Raw GM are off at a digital cafe somewhere complaining about unemployment
• Wow here comes Kurt…and we get ANOTHER COMMERCIAL!!!!!

Segment 3: Sting has now spent more time in the ring talking this segment than Hogan has spent wrestling in his whole TNA career

• These canned boos are getting so bad to a point where you can’t even hear the promo
• I love how TNA is now making it look like they always planned on Roode getting screwed over and it wasn’t just some last minute decision some balding idiot made, wait did I say love…I meant hate
• You know if it was so obvious that Roode got screwed at BFG why didn’t you know, the new ownership come in and restart the match? To you know make it seem like the new ownership actually means something
• Conversations are always legally binding contract in TNA. This is a problem
• I seem to remember Hogan and Bischoff saying that any contracts that were signed by Dixie Carter didn’t mean anything when she took control, so wouldn’t the opposite be true?
• I’m using logic again aren’t I? Damn my eyes
• Wow…Storm is out now too and we’re still talkin folks! ANOTHER COMMERCIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Segment 4: Still Talking….#wrestlingmatters #justnothere; Hogan/Immortal backstage

• 38 minutes in and no wrestling yet…this will become a trend
• Kurt I think you need to stop drinking in a car
• James Storm’s hat is pretty awesome
• Why did Immortal approach Hogan like its West Side fucking Story?

Segment 5: Will There Be A Match Yet? Pretty Please? Yay! Match 1: Worst Lesbians Ever Vs. Tara and the Green Machine Tessmacher

• Yay! a match!
• Seriously TNA’s live event graphic needs to take up a lot less of the screen
• TNA needs to decide to use “Brooke” or “Miss” in front of Tessmacher
• Welp let’s see roughly 46 minutes on promo to 5 minutes of a match, welcome back TNA

Segment 6: Jarrett segment

• Ugh this is gonna hurt my brain, I can tell already
• Anyone who gives their kid the middle name of Nero should be shot in the uterus
• Jeff these are the same fans that will chant “anal bleeding” if given the right cues
• Hey Jeff, maybe if Hardy no-showed a ppv, why didn’t you fire him? And why did you rehire him?
• Jeff, there are like 30 idiots that still want you there, the res hate your fucking guts
• At least he isn’t wearing the mugshot shirt anymore
• D’Lo thinks you betta recognize
• I’d be way more excited for a D’Lo/Snow feud at this point
• Jeff if you really wanna hurt Hardy, punch him in his track marks

Segment 7: Eric Young/Robbie E segment, Match 2: Gunner Vs. Abyss; Velvet bragging

• Wow, these guys are still employed, that’s awesome!
• Ronnie from the Jersey Shore coming in might actually be kinda fun, and “amish hamster” maybe be the best takeaway from this week’s show, yes I’ve read the spoilers, I still stand by my statement
• If Gunner is really anyone’s worst nightmare, they must be the most timid person on the planet
• These idiots on Twitter are saying they loved all the things about BFG that I despised, fuck them
• Wow, that match was shorter than the Knockouts Tag match…that’s never good
• Now that Dixie is back in charge can we let Abyss fix his teeth? Please.
• Yay Velvet! Boo what’s about to happen!

Segment 8: Immortal segment; Velvet segment

• Flair is drunk, he said “Stanger”
• Velvet represents the last good thing to happen on the BFG ppv
• I cannot understand what the fans are chanting, but you see this emotional speech by Velvet? Imagine if this were Roode and it was the World Title…wouldn’t that have been great?
• How does Karen still have control of the Knockouts if Dixie has the company now?
• I think this is the first time there’s been a promo with cursing that hasn’t been done by Velvet
• Wow Gail Kim….someone console Daniel Bryan please

Segment 9: Bischoff segment; Roode/Storm segment

• Oh good Bischoff said there’s gonna be a lot of talking, thank God for something different….
• Did I miss the part where Hogan actually talked to Bischoff’s son?
• Note to all referees: We do not recognize you without your ref’s shirts…I don’t care who you are
• Jesus that douchebag has his last named tattooed on his chest? Wow.
• This Roode pep talk is legitimately the best thing on the show all night

Segment 10: Match 3 (yes only three matches folks): Spoiler Alert Vs Kurt Angle

• This ref just looks disgusted to be there
• Wow. Wow. Did Kurt show up unable to perform or something?
• I’ve taken longer pisses than this title match
• Now don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled that this will probably lead to a Storm Vs Roode main event at a PPV…at least I’m hoping it will, but how we got to this point is fucking disugsting
• This moment at the ppv with Roode getting this speech would have been so much better than this
• This Roode and Storm moment is pretty great though, but seriously…I know Kurt was injured, but a two minute match?