Mad Mike Reviews TNA: Sacrificial Van Damb

Greetings Mayhemmers, since I’m the guy who watches TNA the most as the main hosts on this show, but we never seem to talk about it (mainly because it sucks) I decided to at least use my journalistic integrity and live blog about it each week. This will be written live as I watch Impact, so enjoy!

Segment 1: Recrap, Roode segment (surprise, surprise), Bully segment

• I am begging for an Impact that doesn’t open with Roode or Hogan, I really am
• Remember the Ultimate Sacrifice match? That was a really cool concept
• I’m pretty sure Jarrett held it for a lot longer than Roode has
• Boy you know, you’d think the main event for the PPV was a four-way (it’s totally not)
• Hogan should just never speak ever
• If they really wanted to be innovative, Hogan should have said if Roode wins he doesn’t have to defend his title at Sacrifice
• This week is the most normal I’ve seen Jeff’s hair look in a decade
• Bully really is the best heel in TNA

Segment 2: Gail/Maddy segment, Match 1: Velvet Vs. Hooters

• The secret is out Madison and I are dating, I’m the guy she is talking about
• I never understood the “butt bump” maneuver for females, is it just a mocking thing?
• I’ve noticed that TNA is doing far less of the snatch camera angles
• I know Gail’s finisher is Eat De Feet, but she only uses one foot…is that an Asian thing?

Segment 3: AJ segment, Jeff segment, Match 2: Red Vs. Blue FINAL BATTLE

• Nice to see someone knows who AJ is feuding with
• Jeff needs to stop using drugs…seriously
• God, if this really is the final battle of Red and Blue, why isn’t it on PPV?
• Oh, never mind…there’s Bully
• So Cal Val sighting!
• This is the most TV time D’Lo has had since he wore a chest protector

Segment 4: Crimson segment, RVD segment

• Oh good…Red is talking
• That was sarcasm.
• Wow…that segment was worthless except when the cameraman decided to zoom in on a girls’ boobs
• RVD must have been really high when he read the Iliad

Segment 5: Match 2 (for realsies): Aries Vs. Shiima, Kaz/Daniels segment

• Yay! Something (hopefully) good!!
• Solid match by these two, it’s a shame Aries has no one else to defend against though
• Yeah no one has ever had a contract broken Daniels

Segment 6: RVD segment, Kaz/Daniels segment

• Wow, way to bury the lead RVD, a ladder match…now I don’t have to watch the main event
• Yawn. I hate this “feud”
• This is the longest “non-feud” in the history of wrestling
• AJ you saw the pictures and you freaked out, you clearly do know what they have over you
• Umm…that’s a hug, this whole thing is supposed to be based off a hug?
• Aren’t they just implying AJ of doing something Flair has flat out said he’s done since he got signed by TNA?

Segment 7: Match 3: Devon Vs. Robbie E, Storm segment

• Well that was mercifully short
• These guys need to stop feuding though
• I don’t care about Storm anymore
• They should have given Storm the belt, given how stale Roode is

Segment 8: Devon yelling, Abyss segment, Joseph Park segment, Anderson segment

• So Devon is complaining about it not being a fair fight, yet he has won every match? That doesn’t make sense
• So for being such a great lawyer, it took him several months to find out what I could have looked up in 2 minutes
• Ha, he thinks the Impact Zone is a large crowd
• Seriously this gimmick should have stopped two months ago
• Shouldn’t he have filed a missing persons report by this point?
• “I’m tired of hearing this crap” Bully Ray, the voice of reason
• Leslie Nielsen could have found Abyss by now
• It’s a shame this has dragged out so long to the point I don’t care, because AbyssPark does this bit really well
• Anderson is just kinda useless at this point, can someone bring Pope back?

Segment 9: Slammiversary segment, Angle segment, RVD segment, Match 4: RVD Vs. Jeff Vs. Anderson Vs. Roode

• Wow did we really need to be reminded of that awful nWo angle?
• Kurt is pretty great at bringing the focus back to him
• There’s been way too little wrestling on this show
• WAY TOO MUCH RVD ON THIS FUCKING SHOW!!!!!
• RVD has been in over half the segments on this show…which can only mean he’s losing at Sacrifice #TNAlogic
• Honestly, Roode should just go outside the ring and make sure RVD doesn’t win

Segment 10: Match cont., Abyss segment

• King Mo just looks like a less bloated Devon
• Honestly, there’s not a single man in this match I’d want to be the TNA Champion
• Anderson is the biggest idiot ever
• Ladder match, yet somehow RVD will lose
• Um….so Abyss is back? What?

TNH8 Scale

Logic: 2 Laganas out of 5

Wrestling: 2 Laganas out of 5

Overall: 4 Laganas out of 10