Mad Mike Reviews TNA: This Industry Changes Like Underwear

Greetings Mayhemmers, since I’m the guy who watches TNA the most as the main hosts on this show, but we never seem to talk about it (mainly because it sucks) I decided to at least use my journalistic integrity and live blog about it each week. This will be written live as I watch Impact, so enjoy!

Segment 1: Sting promo, Hogan walking

• Sting is really explaining too many angles for people to take any of this seriously
• I just opened my can of soda at the same time the beer opened on Beer Money’s theme song, Gibbs was wrong there are coincidences
• Sting says he thinks Roode can beat Angle, which means he can’t…that’s how the Joker works right?
• This is what I like to call a “hard sell” and it’s a shame because TNA isn’t giving Roode that belt
• Wasn’t AJ just the champion like a year ago?

Segment 2: Match 1: 5 Way Ladder Match: Kendrick Vs. Shiima Vs Football guy Vs Kid Rock Vs Shelley; Kaz promo

• Hooray A Double is talking!
• Whoa really hot blonde in the front row, what’s she doing there?
• Oh snap Carly is there again!
• Apologies for talking about women in the crowd but the match hasn’t really gotten going yet
• The ladder doesn’t look tall enough…
• I’d love Shiima to win this, but it seems doubtful
• Twitter asks what X-Division star will have the biggest impact next year….it’s still September, wow
• Curse of anyone in the ring that isn’t Curt Hennig: “blue chip athlete”
• Wow that fall looked nasty for Kash
• “Wizard of Odd” is the worst nickname ever, and I hate Kendrick
• Kaz has the girliest hair ever
• I’d also like to thank the fine people at TBS for showing an hour of Big Bang Theory at the same time as Impact, something nice to have on the picture-in-picture

Segment 3: Flair talking, Jarretts and Kaz promo

• Flair wants to be a part of something, I assume this was him discussing his role on the Cleveland Show…nice promotion btw TNA (psst there was none!)
• So wait a minute, they are establishing that Kaz and Traci are together, yet they also established that Traci fucked Bischoff three times to get her Knockouts Law job…what??
• Hey Jeff, the grass probably would have been greener if Kaz would have cut his girly ass hair
• The crowd is great at throwing their voices, I hear lots of booing but see no lips moving
• I thought Jeff couldn’t fire anyone, doesn’t Hogan and Bischoff have all the power?
• Yes Mike, that’s Immortal’s Gunner, not to be confused with Image Comic’s Gunner or McDonalds; Gunner

Segemnt 4: Match 2(?): Army McTattoo Vs. Hernandez, Bully promo

• $379 for a cruise with TNA superstars….ok let’s be fair $379 for a cruise with Velvet Sky, I dunno…might be worth it
• Oh good a blindside attack, we wouldn’t want to have an actual match? Naaaah
• Normally I wouldn’t advocate this, but can we have the one-time return of Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake to shave both members of Ink Inc?
• God dammit I hate you MeX-Pac
• Wow Bully Ray was really the first person Hogan called with his announement…sure he did

Segment 5: James Storm promo, Flair promo, Video package

• Storm says he has to go watch a match…I wonder where he’s going to do that?
• Flair really doesn’t want Hogan to do something…I’m assuming its get married again
• Nice to see a video package chronicling the history between Tara and Maddy, too bad it doesn’t mean anything as the feud ended back in July

Segment 6:Match 2: Maddy Vs. Tara

• It’s 10:00 and we’ve had one match, just throwing that out there
• I love Maddy’s theme song, but if Karen is calling herself Queen isn’t this rather derivative?
• I think I just saw Tara’s labia…Y Angle lens
• So Maddy is flirting with Earl because he’s a dirty old man…that’s really the story in this match
• Ok now Maddy hit Earl and Earl is going to let Tara cheat…TNA is really backwards
• Carly seems to be a Tara fan though
• Maddy got the win anyway, wow
• Jesus the cleavage on Madison is insane, you can literally see the floor behind her through her tits

Segment 7: Daniels segment,Crimson promo

• Daniels really has the worst heel turn ever
• Wow this is still about Crimson’s undefeated streak? Really?
• They did this exact feud already, just with less utterances of the word “bitch”
• And Morgan comes out for the save, who exactly is this feud between again?
• Morgan and Crimson are kinda the same person, they’re like the uncharismatic Skyscrapers

Segment 8: AJ segment, Match 3: Pope Vs. Anderson, Roode promo

• CAN SOMEONE BAN D-VON’S CHILDREN FROM THE STATE OF FLORIDA???????????
• Face Vs. Face, yup this will be a great one…
• I can definitely see why WWE cut both these guys
• SERIOUSLY SOMEONE EJECT D-VON’S SONS FROM EVERY IMPACT TAPING
• Oh wow a run-in, nice to see TNA trying something new, especially since the match should have already been over
• Robert Roode is so good, I wish he’d win

Segment 9: D-Von and his sons segment, Rocky Roode segment, Match 4: AJ Vs. Roode

• D-Von….STOP BRINGING YOUR KIDS TO SHOWS! THEY INTERFERE EVERY FUCKING TIME!!
• Oh goodie, I hope this goes to an abusive father route…that’d be great
• It would be a God damned shame if they are putting this much effort into Roode for him to lose
• I still don’t trust TNA to do the right thing at Bound For Glory
• Carly looks good in HD
• Wow really heavyset woman right behind Roods has such a large Jeff Hardy shirt on, it looked like Jeff’s disembodied head was floating in the crowd
• @TNACreative just made a derogatory comment about my future wife Carly, how dare they
• Nice to see that all these Fortune Vs. Roode matches are showing Roode can get out of submission moves
• These matches give me hope that Angle/Roode will be great, but too much potential for clusterfucks
• Very cool finish, extremely cool, dodging the Pele right into the crossface, that was fantastic

Segment 10: Roode/AJ segment, Hogan announcement

• Very nice segment with Roode and AJ, apart from the shitty Daniels heel turn, the Fortune stuff has been awesome
• Of course this ultimately means TNA will fuck this up and have Storm turn on Roode costing him the belt
• Wow someone had a copy of an old WWF Magazine with Hogan on it
• Hogan, no offense you had your big break WAAAAY before you wrestled Andre at WM3
• Sting…wow, dropping a Suburban Commando reference, that’s awesome
• Hogan wanted to tell the people that loved him the most and haven’t asked for alimony
• Wow, there are people actually crying for this “retirement”
• Maybe they’re just crying because they couldn’t get into the Harry Potter ride
• Hogan is saying all the people that Immortal is against is the future, you know the very people that he has been burying for the past two years
• Hogan is telling people to come out to a show that has already been taped to say goodbye, oh man I’d hate to be some of those idiots who don’t know it was taped
• And Joker closes the show by saying the bridge and tunnel crowd are in for a big surprise…or something